Name It

Sigh.. sick at the year end. It all started at last week after submitting my report, i kinda feel unwell.. i guess i caught some viral fever or viral flu or whatever that is that made me flue,sorethroat, and fever.

On christmas eve i still barely hanging in there, went for a midtrerm on that day then after that went to the clinic. forked a total rm 59 for it = = darn it

wasted my holiday down wit the sickness. my sis angie came back on 24th night and went back kl tis morning, on the day which i actually felt better.. sigh.. with it, i totally forgotten i have presentation today, i thought it was on thursday.. i dono.. i guess me being ssick got me messed up. jst felt kinda wasted that i got sick on the wrong day..sigh.. it was just whole day at home and trying no to infect any1 else when i shouldve been out chowing food and celebrating. sigh.. now that i’m getting better, i guess i gotta catch up on lost time. Exam is less than 2 weeks time. 

Sigh.. sick at the year end. It all started at last week after submitting my report, i kinda feel unwell.. i guess i caught some viral fever or viral flu or whatever that is that made me flue,sorethroat, and fever.

On christmas eve i still barely hanging in there, went for a midtrerm on that day then after that went to the clinic. forked a total rm 59 for it = = darn it

wasted my holiday down wit the sickness. my sis angie came back on 24th night and went back kl tis morning, on the day which i actually felt better.. sigh.. with it, i totally forgotten i have presentation today, i thought it was on thursday.. i dono.. i guess me being ssick got me messed up. jst felt kinda wasted that i got sick on the wrong day..sigh.. it was just whole day at home and trying no to infect any1 else when i shouldve been out chowing food and celebrating. sigh.. now that i’m getting better, i guess i gotta catch up on lost time. Exam is less than 2 weeks time. 

The few weeks after my midterm break, i started feeling kinda dizzy in the morning, and tired.What intrigues me is that is the detox tea not working ? well, its working. Then after a day of severe nose allergic, i suddenly remembered that i havent apply my rhinitis medicine for quite a long time edy. So i did it that day and my nose when all guns on me with lots and tonnes of mucus coming out, even he next morning. But after that, i feel good, lol, i mean really good, energetic, passionate, lol, feels like i’m gonna achieve and do something. I have midterm test the day after that, which actually helps me study. I guess my nose started allergic with the moist weather. Pollen or something that came together with the wind. So, lessen learnt that i have to apply the medi at least once a week, but i kept forgetting especially when i wanna apply it during shower.

Understand your own body and you’ll have good health. lol, kinda like some shady commercial quote heh..lol.  But its true, when u feel great, u’ll do great things. I have the designing bridge as a project, and i had the urge or idea on how to build it, but my groupmates kinda alienated me by not updating me on stuff and decisions, so he end up saying i don’t need to build it, but i insisted i do it, but my design. I finish it within 3 days, which i think can be 2 days if i reduce my play time, lol. If it was the usual me on the past year, i’ll take it for granted and relax cuz i dont have a good feel towards myself.

I kinda noticed that having someone to admire in secret is one way to motivate me in a way. I had this girl i kinda have this interest of knowing her and even court her, but in the end i didn’t bcuz she already has a bf. So kinda like i’m looking forward to attend the class just to take a glimpse of her, not only that, i’ll have the sense of achieving something great and i’ll just go study, just in case one day i’ll impress her. Sounds kinda like secondary school life right? haha, ITS DOES ! I used to like alot of girls in secondary school and always ended up rejected or liking the wrong girl whom wont like me back while those that will, i didnt. lol. weird. 

So on sat, i went to this beach party, for the special even of eclipse during that night, they have booze, music, entertainment, games, AND free entrance for girls in bikini. That was what made me interested at going, haha, and i thought, why not go, i dont want to regret of not trying things out as i did when i was on the hospital bed a year ago. U see, when u feel good, you’ll go do things. It sounds like its in a club rite? but its not, its at the seaside at tanjung aru and its open air. haha, i wouldnt go if its a club and no special event. As usual, we guys will looks at girls, lol.. there were alot of ‘beer girls’, or ‘beer waitress’ that serves u beer and so one. So there was one girl that caught my eye, she really is hard working, i know them beer girls wear very short and tight dress, but she kinda feels different from the other beer girls, hardworking, doesnt sound rude, sweet voice, and the face is just special, doesnt look like typical chinese girls, but somehow resembles Eva Mendes, lol, despite the tatoo at the back of her lower neck and the colour of her hair which was abit reddish. But hey, i took pic of her.  well, i kinda had the interest in knowing her. But somehow i din make my move even after 5 and a half bottles of beer lol. Kept thinking of her lately and i kept staring at the pics, lmao~ oh well, one of those secret admiring thingy that i do. lol

Why not go knowing them girls? its okay to be friends. i hear u ask ?  Well, i once experienced being friends with a girl i had interest in courting, it dint turn out well, i mean it did turn out well, but it wasnt meant to be, so i kinda trying to avoid the same thing repeating, plus i’m the kind of person that will fall head over heels once i’m in love, and i’ll start losing focus on other things, especially my studies as now i’m trying to finish my degree. Even with ‘knowing my body well technique’, i still dont dare taking the risk.

 Today is the last day of my one week midterm break, and tis coming week, i have 3 midterm exams to take. Total time studied during this midterm break week - 6 hours more or less. Its kinda less. I planned to at least study everyday, but i only started on tues until thursday. Rest of the days i did not even touch any. Those things i wanna do during this break, totally did none of them. Not even completed one. Such as, format my computer which include re-arrange all the files i have equally to 3 HDD, rearrange my bedroom furniture, fix my chair, study at least 2 hours each day, format laptop. Not much right if u think bout it, but somehow, time just fly by and i waste too much of it. The only thing i did finish was washing and polishing my car, but that doesnt even include vacuum the inside. I play game, watch videos, you tube, face book, sit around, watch tv. I’m ruined = =. If i went to socialize with friends, do outside activites, then it wouldn’t be so bad. but.. this is me.. kinda like no life forever alone.. sigh..

I lost my motivation to study. Used to be pumped up to study or do revision for exams. Mayb because of this holiday its making me go back to my old life, which life of nothing to expect, nothing fun to do, etc. I do admit that going to uni is motivating as in to want to graduate within a year. That makes me fired up. Seeing all those juniors that i have to study with, just makes me feel that i’m already left out and should work hard. I bet next week will be the start of a busy week, with projects to do, midterm exams, quiz, and the study week left are 6 weeks to the end of the semester. I gotta work hard, but not so hard until it stresses me out plus there are alot of things that i havent study yet. I hope that i can score well. 

 As i spend alot of time at home in my room, i really would like to improve something, i’m somehow not satisfied with my room, i dono why. Something is missing. and there are times things just really disturbs me. sigh.. lots of things, this and that. mayb i’m just too tense..too tense…. now i dont feel like blogging anymore after thinking/recalling back what those tense feelings and stuff are.. sigh…..

Well, seems like its been a months since i last blogged. I’ll slowly fill it in. lol. The maid that has terrible attitude, work ethnics, is finally gone. after a week or two after the incident, she said that her mom is sick and she needs to go back hometown. Its kinda like a sign that she is quitting for good when she pack all her stuff and went back. Which is good, i prefered that. That old maid is too hard headed. A new younger maid took her place, from filipin, which is good cuz now she can work together with kak inai and wont quarrel compared previously. Its a good improvement i see, and dad has been getting involved since the new maid joined us. Dad dont normally wanna masuk campur when the old maid was here, mayb because we noticed that eventhough she did not do a good job, but we heavily depend on her and just let her do it her own way. but now with the new maid, willing to learn and she joined when angie was still here, she had some training angie, which is good.

 Mom’s condition improved alot too, started comsuming milk,etc by mouth now, the tube has been removed, and she speaks alot more now compared to last time. I know that i’m supposed to go talk to her daily and chit chat with her, but , i dono la..its like something is preventing me, so emotional or whatever thingy inside me.i dont want that but..

 Within the few weeks of starting class, i’ve always been feeling like shit every day, mostly feeling dizzy in the morning, cant think properly, cant concentrate on something well even i’ve been sleeping good. It felt like my body was not handling well, at first i thought the worst has happened, but nothing showed up on my blood test. Then i has the idea of trying detox tea, it just somehow pop into my mind that my cousin drank that and he say its good, so i went to try it. It really is good, haha, my body feels less lighter and the dizzyness in the morning are lessened. I can concentrate more on my studies now and actually absorb what i studied. haha.. nice man. but the only problem is that the detox tea will make me shit like crazy, but its the gruesome stomach-ache before that. haha. So i normally drink it when i dont have class or going out. small price to pay i’d say.

Practically did a few things, but somewhat still not started any studying when i’m supposed to. Got all my subject registered in the SMP, kinda settled it during the final 2 days, lol. And as usual, i skip a lecture, cuz i kinda don like that lecture, sigh. anyways, i install CISS on my printer on my own, lol, took me 3-4 hours due to troubleshooting but the solution was so simple. On frriday i really wore my thick face and go ask to join a group, oh well, kinda happy that i did it, since i don know a single person in that place. Found out there is a wound at mom’s butt, kinda serious, its those kind that if not treated properly, the flesh will keep rotting away and it gets bigger and bigger cuz no blood circulation going thru. I was really angry with the maid that is taking care of my mom, she suppose to notify us immediately, but instead, we had to find it out ourself during on of her off days and its been a week, terrible. All these time i’ve been quiet, but tis really ticked me off. Her attitude is terrible, its a kid’s attitude. tsk.. 

Went for a jog today, and push up after 2-3 weeks of not doing it, feels fine at first, but after a nap, i woke up feeling terrible = = isnt it exercising supposed to help ? lol. hope it’ll be okay after a night’s sleep. 

Its been a few times where i felt like dropping my subjects and take it next sem, but somehow, it strikes me that why i should quit now after all i’ve gone thru, lol.. so that made me continue on. I know i have leukemia and its in remission, engineering isnt my cup of tea, and i get worried and panic and stress whenever i lack or couldn’t perform well in my studies, cuz i’m weak on it, so i’ve decide that i’ll just take it easy, getting a D doesnt matter now, as long as i graduate. i know this kind of thinking is timid and unambitious, but i hope my view of it will change sometime. lol

 Sometimes i do feel like i’m stuck in the past. i keep recalling back memories before i was sick, hanging out with frens, places we go, things we’ve done, and mostly is memories of my mom. I guess i need closure on all those.

Dreamt of mom last night, in my sleep.It was around 5am when it occured. Dreamed of mom preparing breakfast for me before i go to uni early in the morning, on the stove, preparing some side dish that i couldn’t make out. But there were alot of side dish tho, as i saw mom cooked lots of stuff. I was there, standing behind her, and got a glimpse of something watery that she scoop out but i din’t mind it at all. I felt happy that i get to see mom agian, preparing breakfast like she used to, she’ll wake up early jst to make sure i’ve ate b4 i went to class. After she finished cooking, i gave her a hug and said Thank You, She din’t say anything at first, but i can feel it that she felt happy and gave of a smile, then she said, aww don hug me so tightly, my hips hurt. I let of of her and i woke up, and ended up crying.

I’m ashamed to admit that i havent been a good son. I’ve been selfish and only focused on my interest, and not much of hers. I’ve been so naive that everything will stay the same and things wont change, but see now, how it drastically changed. Now every morning its the maid that wakes up, boils water, heat up my breakfast and so house chores. Before this it was my mom whom did all those, every morning. Now, every morning i wake up, going thru all those preparation before class, it reminds me of my mom. She’ll ask me what i want for breakfast,etc, and i feel so bad. 

I guess, writing it out here doesnt make any difference, it just wont make me feel any better.. no1 to comfort me,no1 to say to me that is okay..no1 to give me advice… 

I suddenly have fever today. Went to private clinic and doc says its viral fever, but in the other hand, i’m scared that its leukemia, i hope its not. took medicine, still having fever now. arghh~~

Sigh.. today seems like a bad mood day for me. Went to the hospital for doc’s appointment, turns out they did not get enough bone marrow sample for a proper reading. so there is no result on it. Kinda sad cuz i was hoping to get a result so i can peacefully continue my studies, without worries. Now i gotta re-do the BMA again next month. Its kinda like a crucial time as on 20th Sept, tis my 1 year mark of my final chemo (stem cell collection chemo not included). Another thing to take note is the ’something’ in my blood test result is the high ’something’, which is the accumulation of all the cells, higher by 3..  i never heard that ’something’ before, and the doc jst briefly explain it to me.

Remember the teacher that i said had relapse? he did a 5 days chemo, and guess what.. he is still having cancer cells in his bone marrow and blood, 80% of the marrow.. sad and shocking to hear.. we practically diagnosed and started treatment together, and it turns out like this. I;m so glad that i’m still in remission. It totally made me think what will i do if i relapse (cross fingers).. Met a fren that i knew way back when i was in KL, he jst did his transplant and told me that it he relapse, its that for him, he said at least he tried his best on recovering. So, what am i going to do ?

Straight away went to my faculty after the doctor appointment, din have any class, but sure is a long drive, cars all over, then i start heading back home around 3.30pm.. gosh, 3.30pm and there are quite alot of cars .. took me almost 30mins to reach home. All this driving is exhausting me, i dono why. This is why i wanna stay nearby uni, saves me the driving time. Imagine class at 8am, and those carssssss~~ i need to leave home at 7.20 just to reach there exactly at 8am.. sucks, not to mention getting stuck in the traffic.  

So, i got back home, i thought i can register my course subject or at least some some more detail info on what i’m taking, but once it re-opens, i still cant access my account !! Bummer~ luckily registration is two days~ tmr is the final day and i have it settle it by tmr..  with all these going on, it really demotivate me and  make me something something, and tired..plus tmr class at 8am,~ argh, talking bout waking up early, breakfast, traffic jams, tis n that~ argh.. it just makes me think back of last time when my mom still healthy and what she did everyday for me b4 i go to sch.. i just feel such a jerk not loving her as much as i should have..

Went for bone marrow aspiration (BMA) yesterday morning. Its a whole lot more painful that it used it be. Maybe because i requested it to be taken from my left waist instead of the normal right. Thinking bout giving my right side a break from all the needles, but, haha, turns out it wasnt that pleasant after-all. Being back at the ward gives me the chance to meet back all the nurses who taken care of me before and meet new ones, and to scout out any new patients and also to update myself on current or any situations and happenings.

I had the chance to talk to the wife of a teacher, whom her husband admitted for leukemia around the same time as i did and update me bout the other patients that i knew. Turns out it wasnt that much of a good news i heard from her. Her husband leukemia had relapse after almost a year of treatment and came back at the worst time when he was about to go for bone marrow transplant, such a discouraging news. He has to go thru another round of chemo which ended not long ago, thus the requirement for BMA yesterday. He is 46 years old, any older, his body might not handle the chemo well enough, she said.

Furthermore, she told me about Rashid, a malay guy that was admitted for leukemia too, somewhere middle of last year, went thru with chemo, has one of his sibling as a donor, and actually went to KL for the transplant procedure, passed away 3-4 months after the transplant. I spoke to him before he went there. A very tall man. A father, husband and a loving son. Apparently, not long after his transplant, his father passed away, as all recently transplant patients are strictly not allowed to go out due infection prone, he somehow flew back to terengganu for his father’s funeral. Unfortunately, he caught infection and passed away 9 days after his father funeral. Maybe due to his grieve of his father’s death, and the worst infection, he couldnt handle it and pass away. May God be with him always.

Somehow, in a way, i feel relieved that i did not go thru with the bone marrow transplant. After hearing all of the side effect and what will happen during the wiping out process of the bone marrow, and the risk factors, its really really scary. The lady (teacher’s wife that i mentioned earlier) told me another person whom went thru with transplant, passed away too due to infection, and a patient that was diagnosed with leukemia since 6 years old, relapse recently, he/she is now 19 years old.. !! Suddenly it make me feel that life is short. Leukemia is not something that can be controlled or prevented, because the cause for it is not specifically known. Even-though some might say its the food, computer radiation, and other might contribute to it, however, why not all are affected as food and computer are a common thing nowadays?

 As i realized that life is short, i want to go out and venture the world, even tho i’m afraid of it, i might as well enjoy it than to sit here being cautious and being preventive and be afraid of my leukemia coming back. Its like i’m hiding in a box fearing my worst enemy will come knocking on the door. I don’t want to regret not doing the things i want when my time ends here. Oh sure the doctors say its better pass the 2 years mark as its a sign that it will have a lesser chance of my leukemia coming back, but we all don’t know if that is really true, furthermore, i did not go thru any transplant.

 I know that i was once a sick person who had this terminal illness, but my dad always treat me like a patient, even now. I told him that i want to move out when my uni starts, so that i’ll be closed to the uni and i wont be so lazy at doing my work but he disagrees. Home is like a sanctuary, but because  i’m so used to staying at home, i feel too relaxed and don’t even bother to try and achieve any goals. Food, water, money is provided here, everything i need to keep living. Plus i have alot of bad habits at home, i’ll be so tempted to play the computer all day long. Now that i’m allowed to continue my studies, i need to keep my head straight. Going back to uni now is not going to be easy as i’ll be mixing in with different peoples from different faculties, and all of them are strangers to me. From my experience living at home during uni period, its really a bad choice as u’ll be separated from the social life of the uni. All u’ll ever think of is going back to the comfortable life at home.

arghh.. its really late  now.. and i’m not blogging tat well … haha.. nite then..i’m not sure what i even wanna write about anymore, or how i’m gonna write it.. lol.. nite